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Thread: Tell us a joke

  1. #1
    Super duper Ken's Avatar
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    Tell us a joke

    just seen this and although ive seen it before i thought id share here. Apparantly all are true but im guessing its a yank thing as they mention walmart.

    Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
    I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
    'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
    teenager at the counter.
    'You don't?' I replied.
    'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
    'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
    'That's right.'
    So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
    (Unbelievable but sadly true...)
    (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
    and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

    TWO
    I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
    After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
    'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
    Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
    I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
    She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
    She had no clue to what had just happened.

    ( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)

    THREE
    A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
    When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

    (Keep shuddering!!)

    FOUR
    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
    'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
    'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
    handing it and the car keys to me. As I
    took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
    replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
    check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

    PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

    FIVE
    Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

    Brunette, by the way!!

    SIX
    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
    Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right away'

  2. #2
    When will the jokes be posted ?

  3. #3
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    whats the prize money for this ?

  4. #4
    Super duper Ken's Avatar
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    Ha fucking ha!

  5. #5
    Super duper Ken's Avatar
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    AN IRISH GHOST STORY

    This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

    The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
    John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

    Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
    everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

    Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

  6. #6
    haha! That is hilarious. Nice one kris80

  7. #7
    Styling and profiling Gully Foyle III's Avatar
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    I tried to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend but I had to stop as he kept taking things literally
    You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. Every chef will tell you that.

  8. #8
    Little boy says to his Dad -

    Son - "Dad, why do gardeners get called 'Green Fingered' when their fingers aren't green?

    Dad - "It's just a saying son, don't worry about it"

    Son - "Ok, but why is it when thieves are caught in the act, it's called - 'caught red handed' when their hands are black"

    Dad - Got a point son, got a point!

  9. #9
    Dr Vanfuck Ginge's Avatar
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    fascinating

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Ginge View Post
    fascinating
    Over 63K posts of this shit from you, now there's a joke.

  11. #11
    Dr Vanfuck Ginge's Avatar
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    That wasnt a joke though, what is the punchline?

  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Ginge View Post
    That wasnt a joke though, what is the punchline?
    Funny that, most of the lads at darts thought it was funny.

    Then again, they aren't pricks that look to pick apart every single little thing in life as they haven't got anything better to do with their time.
    But there you go... such is life.

  13. #13
    Dr Vanfuck Ginge's Avatar
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    Oh dear, Pat is having a wobble.

  14. #14
    Ginge with fuck all better than to comment on threads where he has no real interest but still want's a reaction...

    Same old dance.

  15. #15
    Dr Vanfuck Ginge's Avatar
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    Want's what?

  16. #16
    Administrator Darty's Avatar
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    relax Patrice.
    Darts, Darts, Darts.

  17. #17
    Pat on the verge. It's never far away.
    Sprocket is now so desperate to get a fucking reaction from me he is replying to virtually every post I make in some sort of critical way chasing me all over the forum.

    It's a beautiful thing to behold, his posts becoming more and more desperate by the hour. It's possible that his seethe level will cause him to explode by the weekend. Enjoying every fucking second of it.


    OTW ignoring me on 9/4/14

  18. #18
    Dr Vanfuck Ginge's Avatar
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  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Pat The Butcher View Post
    Little boy says to his Dad -

    Son - "Dad, why do gardeners get called 'Green Fingered' when their fingers aren't green?

    Dad - "It's just a saying son, don't worry about it"

    Son - "Ok, but why is it when thieves are caught in the act, it's called - 'caught red handed'… when their hands are black"

    Dad - Got a point son, got a point!
    When will this joke be finished?
    Sprocket is now so desperate to get a fucking reaction from me he is replying to virtually every post I make in some sort of critical way chasing me all over the forum.

    It's a beautiful thing to behold, his posts becoming more and more desperate by the hour. It's possible that his seethe level will cause him to explode by the weekend. Enjoying every fucking second of it.


    OTW ignoring me on 9/4/14

  20. #20
    The tightest brass of all Cheeky Chops's Avatar
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    Pat reinforcing a racial stereotype there

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